Who am I, and what do I want?

I’ve been fighting so hard to write. The ME, on top of what’s happening in politics right now, has made it very difficult to not allow depression to take me over.

We’re four months away from an election that will have extremely serious after-effects for folks like myself, and for the rest of the planet.I had an extended conversation with another psych person recently that really helped. I trust what they say as it’s honest, educated, served in the same branch and has done the same things, and they see/treat me as an equal. Everyone knows I tried suicide in ‘07; my work now, however, isn’t about that. I’ve spent several years with Team Rubicon USA, but am now also retired from command/general staff duties as well; “TR” is (in my humble opinion) is the most capable organization on the planet to respond to disasters. The work they do requires the highest level of knowledge, skills, and abilities...and I was not able to do that consistently anymore due to my age and medical issues, and mistakes in the disaster response field get people killed.

I think that’s a major reason people leaving the military connect with TR; they have a predilection to helping people in situations most wouldn’t even think about, but they also want to see things done right...the first time. It’s how they’re wired.

That person I was talking with said this, as I was beginning to cry over my feelings of sadness, and the inadequacy of of being able to change our world, “You’re a warrior, Elaine.” I’ll not repeat the other things...they were supportive, but it’s up to me to do anything about it.

Those whom have studied behavioral science/psychology will perhaps remember this question phrase from early classes, and I found it necessary to...again, after 60+ years...ask it of myself.

Who am I? What do I want?

Wowzers. Seems simple, yeah? Not at all. It’s only in the past few months that I’ve (finally) got a clear view of both. It was not a painless process, but I think that should be obvious (the painful part, and not necessarily how good we were at it).

Anyway...I think the best approach is to just write about those specific little pieces of my experience that shaped who I am, and brought it into focus as to what I really wanted.

I can tell you bluntly that it wasn’t money, fame, or anything of the sort.

I’m going to pop these blurbs out when I can. It could be a couple of times a week, but I really can’t say with certainty because of the ME’s tendency to slam me down following stressful experiences (either emotional or physical).

I’ll put each post here, and in my blog, to which I’ll show a link. That’s because it’s too long for X, and I refuse to pay for that privilege. The truck restomod project is a separate issue, but very much a part of my life.

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